[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
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So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*