Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
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When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly