[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
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My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
nice challenge
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous