Congratulations on your gold medal in the conclusion jump.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
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I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
Me: Never mind.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
50+ [ ]
me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
When someone favorites instead of retweeting me I comfort myself by thinking “they’re just keeping me to themselves”
*bumps into cute girl while typing on calculator* oops! got a bit carried away inventorying my lizards *makes sure she sees the 99999999999*
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.