@Quartzjixler

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

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@imence2

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

@imence2

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

@donni

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

@MostlyPregnant

Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is

@moreki_mo

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

@MrsGoose69

Dear Alcohol, we had a deal. u were suppose 2 make me funnier, smarter & put me in a good mood…. I saw the photos – we need to talk.

@karanbirtinna

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

@themorris23

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now