Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
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There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I feel it
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk