The founder of Adidas went by the nickname Adi, because his real name – Adolf – has become rather unpopular.
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
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You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Guy: *reading my astronomy magazine over my shoulder on the train* What’s your favourite kind of space?
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”