@Marilyn_Brando

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

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@UberFacts

The founder of Adidas went by the nickname Adi, because his real name – Adolf – has become rather unpopular.

@Henry_3k

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

@Browtweaten

Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*

@kivtur

[How the rap feud started]

Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?

2pac: sure, no biggie

Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]

@jackiembouvier

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

@Chhapiness

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

@brynnester

Guy: *reading my astronomy magazine over my shoulder on the train* What’s your favourite kind of space?

Me: Personal

@david8hughes

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

@KeetPotato

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”