[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

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The founder of Adidas went by the nickname Adi, because his real name – Adolf – has become rather unpopular.


You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.


Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*


[How the rap feud started]

Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?

2pac: sure, no biggie

Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]


I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.


Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal


Guy: *reading my astronomy magazine over my shoulder on the train* What’s your favourite kind of space?

Me: Personal


Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies


[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”