Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
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Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?