Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
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me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Based Erika
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses