@boring_as_heck

Shit. Damn it. A bumper sticker just changed my entire worldview, again. This happens like 3 times a day.

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@geowizzacist

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

@briangaar

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

@RuinMyWeek

Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”

Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”

@Playing_Dad

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*

@ReeseButCallMeV

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

@KingsnorthAP

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

@Ideal_Victoria

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

@chrisdowning

A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

@DoctorLFC

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.