Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Shit. Damn it. A bumper sticker just changed my entire worldview, again. This happens like 3 times a day.
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Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Teenagers are just human karma.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.