@boring_as_heck

Shit. Damn it. A bumper sticker just changed my entire worldview, again. This happens like 3 times a day.

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@IamJackBoot

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

@Gotham3

If I got a dollar every time a girl said I wasn’t her type, I’d be her type.

@michaelianblack

Kim Davis becoming a Republican, dealing a huge blow to the “intolerant homophobic religious fundamentalist” wing of the Democratic Party.

@caseytduncan

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

@sonictyrant

GENIE: okay, 3 wishes

ME: i want Sean Connery to recite She sells sea shells-

GENIE: that’s two

ME: in the form of a rap

SEAN CONNERY: {clears throat} gimme a shick beat

@GingerGander

If Twitter was any more fun we’d have to smuggle it in from Mexico.

@TrueTorontoGirl

[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.

@IAmKatieOrr

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

@pinupteacher

[speed dating]

Anyway, do you have a baby hedgehog?

“No.”

*I take a deep breath and roll my eyes*

[timer beeps]

@slyoung5

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?