Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
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Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Children of the corn 🌽
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”