Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
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My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
My ideal weight is five million dollars
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
The two types of wives
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?