[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
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HER: I like a man who’s well-informed.
ME: [trying to impress] The couple at the next table are getting a divorce.
I liked Meatloaf before he got soft and changed his name to Adele.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
If you fill a bottle of water, take it into a dark room and pour the water on the floor, you’ve just wasted your time.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.