I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
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I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
I will never stop laughing at this
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!