A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
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The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
*launders Kohls cash*
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.