“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
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If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”