“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
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them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school
me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum
8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Always this one for me forever
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.