*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
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*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.