@maisonwithapen

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

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@livingnBoston

NORAD tracking Santa? Really? That’s what my tax dollars are going to? You’re tracking a fictitious fat dude?

@markhoppus

“The concept of romantic love is obsolete in the modern era” I declare loudly to no one in particular as I grab for another dinner roll.

@juneohara65

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

@LaziestCanine

Homeless man: Change please
Me: sorry dude I don’t have any money on me
Homeless man: No, change…That outfit is hideous

@papasuncle

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

@D0GGEAUX

horse: [falls in water] haha whoops
seahorse: You are outside of your domain.
horse: no see haha it was an accident, i fell-
seahorse: The ancient pact has been violated. The invasion begins.
horse: wait wha-
seahorses [swarming]: THE PACT HAS BEEN VIOLATED THE PACT HAS BEEN VIOL

@RdrJay47

A virus that wipes out every photo filter across the internet but leaves the photos.

@Darlainky

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

@seamussaid

it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”

@geowizzacist

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*