*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

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NORAD tracking Santa? Really? That’s what my tax dollars are going to? You’re tracking a fictitious fat dude?


“The concept of romantic love is obsolete in the modern era” I declare loudly to no one in particular as I grab for another dinner roll.


Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.


Homeless man: Change please
Me: sorry dude I don’t have any money on me
Homeless man: No, change…That outfit is hideous


The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.


horse: [falls in water] haha whoops
seahorse: You are outside of your domain.
horse: no see haha it was an accident, i fell-
seahorse: The ancient pact has been violated. The invasion begins.
horse: wait wha-


A virus that wipes out every photo filter across the internet but leaves the photos.


“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.


it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”


Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*