Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
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8 teens in the the garage. I hear the miter saw and drill going. I’m just going to sit back and let Darwin take care of things in there.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I accidentally ate one of my dog’s bones and OH MY GOD THE MAILMAN’S OUTSIDE
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Whoops, pizza sauce on my hands. Better wash this off with soap and water. Oh poop on my ass? I’ll just use this dry paper and call it good.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Brings donuts to work because if I can’t be skinny neither can you.
The doctor told me I need to rest so I dropped the kids off at his office & now he won’t stop calling me as if that’s going to help me rest.