“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
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An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
The second I feel pressured to do something, I’m out of there faster than a dog who hears his name and knows it’s bath time.
my mum has bad english (she’s thai) and sometimes it’s hard to communicate. yesterday we were arguing, going back and forth until she ended my career by saying ‘you will never understand… i am rice, you are potato’ and tbh… i’m still trying to think of a comeback,, respect
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
“whats your emergency”
there’s someone in my home
“are you safe?”
it’s a girl
“do you like her”
*starts twirling hair*
I dont know
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
So what’s your secret?
~People that don’t understand how secrets work.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live