@marinhubka

Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle

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@wife_housy

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

@JessiCanadian

8 teens in the the garage. I hear the miter saw and drill going. I’m just going to sit back and let Darwin take care of things in there.

@chopper4jk

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

@Darlainky

No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.

@jake_lach

I accidentally ate one of my dog’s bones and OH MY GOD THE MAILMAN’S OUTSIDE

@iLikeCatShirts

House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.

@michaeljhudson

Whoops, pizza sauce on my hands. Better wash this off with soap and water. Oh poop on my ass? I’ll just use this dry paper and call it good.

@TheTweetOfGod

Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.

@kwirkyKerri

Brings donuts to work because if I can’t be skinny neither can you.

@outsmartedmommy

The doctor told me I need to rest so I dropped the kids off at his office & now he won’t stop calling me as if that’s going to help me rest.