@marinhubka

Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle

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@PwrFulWmn

“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”

– my foot touching anything in the ocean.

@TheTweetOfGod

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

@Jenny4ashley

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

@WordUpBitch

The second I feel pressured to do something, I’m out of there faster than a dog who hears his name and knows it’s bath time.

@existential_d

my mum has bad english (she’s thai) and sometimes it’s hard to communicate. yesterday we were arguing, going back and forth until she ended my career by saying ‘you will never understand… i am rice, you are potato’ and tbh… i’m still trying to think of a comeback,, respect

@badbanana

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

@DillDoes

hello 911
“whats your emergency”
there’s someone in my home
“are you safe?”
it’s a girl
“do you like her”
*starts twirling hair*
I dont know

@FrazzleMyGimp

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

@thatUPSdude

So what’s your secret?

~People that don’t understand how secrets work.

@weinerdog4life

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live