Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
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*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Practicing safe sax
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Lucky old June.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop