Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
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My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
U talkin 2 me?
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…