Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

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Not all Heroes wear capes.

But HR says I do have to wear pants, which is such bullshit..


How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.


“Are you good and hard for me yet?”

– me boiling eggs


Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.


Of course I care about ethical farming practices and proper nutrition. My eggs came from chickens who were fed only the finest vegetarians.


Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”


The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.


Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.


I can tell everything I need to know about a person by how they cut their sandwich.
Diagonal = normal
Straight = serial killer
No cut = dad