Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

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If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie


Yes I brought my own shot glasses and started a party at my table, but is that really a reason to throw someone out? Worst library ever.


{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you


I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.


Screw you, Burger King, if you really wanted me to have it “MY way” you’d have added alcohol to your menu.


Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.


I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.


I feel sorry for kids today but mostly because their cartoons are terrible.


PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.