Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
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Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Warm pools make me nervous.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.