Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
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The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.