How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
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Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?