Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
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Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.