Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
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Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
life finds a way
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people