@jwoodham

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

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@SortaBad

Taco Bell manager: I’m sorry, you didn’t get the job. It’s your drug test

Me: so you mean…

Manager: yes, you passed. Get high & re-apply

@just1fool

Someday I’m gonna open a pawn shop and blow everyone’s mind when I only sell rooks, bishops and knights.

@Sanbel11

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

@Sickayduh

I’m gonna strap a snowblower on my roof and start driving south. When someone asks me what it is, that’s where I’m gonna live.

@Trudacious

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

@WilliamAder

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”