Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

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*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*


Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.


Please retweet my son, it would mean a lot to him, apparently his mother’s love isn’t enough for him.



If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!


Fun fact: Peanut butter also sticks to the roof of your ex-husband’s BMW


I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.


Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke


What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.


Him: I really like Coldplay

Me, trying to impress: I once fingered a corpse