@jwoodham

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

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@fillthevacuum

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*

@pplwtching

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

@bigmacher

Please retweet my son, it would mean a lot to him, apparently his mother’s love isn’t enough for him.

#IfYourMomWroteYourTwitterBio

@1CarParade

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

@meganamram

Fun fact: Peanut butter also sticks to the roof of your ex-husband’s BMW

@djabish3k

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

@Smooheed

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

@Parkerlawyer

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

@KissabiX

Him: I really like Coldplay

Me, trying to impress: I once fingered a corpse