[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
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Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
one time in an oral argument the other guy made a latin legal joke I didn’t get, but the judge didn’t get it either so he just sounded like a moron while being smarter than both of us
If I was a fashion designer Id call myself “who” so when celebs are asked who are they wearing they can say “Who?” “Yes who?” “Yes.”
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
My toddler hid the tv remote before she went to bed so now I have a fun night ahead of getting drunk and watching Disney Junior
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
me: yuck dude what’s that smell
kurt cobain: [strums guitar] it’s teen spirit
me: [silences guitar] can the next one be smells like clean adult