Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

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Taco Bell manager: I’m sorry, you didn’t get the job. It’s your drug test

Me: so you mean…

Manager: yes, you passed. Get high & re-apply


Someday I’m gonna open a pawn shop and blow everyone’s mind when I only sell rooks, bishops and knights.


Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.


I’m gonna strap a snowblower on my roof and start driving south. When someone asks me what it is, that’s where I’m gonna live.


You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.


My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”