[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
You Might Also Like
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice