(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

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ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test


The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.


Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone


I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.


Friend: Did you eat already or do you want to get food?
Me: Correct.


At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of


Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?


House arrest? You mean permission to excuse myself from social interaction? Oh no, judge. Please don’t.


[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst