@sixfootcandy

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

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@chuuew

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

@CulturedRuffian

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

@AndyRichter

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

@IamJackBoot

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

@AbbyHasIssues

Friend: Did you eat already or do you want to get food?
Me: Correct.

@bridger_w

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

@Parkerlawyer

Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?

@mattgallo123

House arrest? You mean permission to excuse myself from social interaction? Oh no, judge. Please don’t.

@dragonsorbet

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst