*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*

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Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus


How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out of control, elaborate lie I need help with.


But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.


My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?


[blind date]

Her: I was so scared you’d be a weirdo

Me [revving chainsaw]: I CANT HEAR YOU


Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..

…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word


Like prison, most don’t learn the life of crime till locked up. Like twitter, I learned to creep into houses and quietly eat their cheese.


me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons


I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.