*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
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WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.