*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
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Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
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Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.