shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
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*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
The Wolf of Wall Street.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.