[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
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I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*