@merrittk

shopkeep, trying to gently shoo away the wild goose with a broom: please go

me: you SWEEP goose? you sweep its body like the garbage? oh! oh! jail for shopkeep! jail for shopkeep for One Thousand Years!!!!

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@iwearaonesie

*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f

@RodLacroix

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

@lucas_mingote

“Can I get a rum and coke, no straw” I ask the bartender, in hopes of an eco-friendly cutie overhearing me and falling in love with me at eye contact, when in reality all I get is a rum and coke with a straw because the bartender didn’t hear me over God’s Plan playing loudly

@Home_Halfway

A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.

@chopper4jk

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

@iamburtjarvis

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a bird.

Penguin: yay!

God: but you can’t fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you need way more feathers to fly.

Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.

[flying squirrel glides by]

Penguin:

God: technically that’s not flying lol.

@thesulk

Then a guy with a rope necklace and flat brimmed hat came in and everyone felt better about their own problems.