Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
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I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
concern
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
They also CAN sing✌️
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy