[walking into a mattress store]
Me: [smiling too hard]
Manager: You can’t jump on the beds.
Me: [no longer smiling]
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
You Might Also Like
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
My first day as a cat burglar,
Victim: you know you don’t actually have to dress up like a cat when you do this
THEY SAY CHRIS BROWN GOT WORST TATTOO EVER! NO AGREE! DRUNK HULK THINK TATTOO GOT WORST PERSON EVER!
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Missing a period is probably a Grammar Nazi’s worst nightmare.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2