@bridger_w

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

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@GrabTheWEness

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

@Rebelling_Jyn

Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.

@Parker_Simpson

I must be getting old…my urine flow sounds like a drippy leak in an old abandoned factory

@daemonic3

My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.

THIS IS BANANARCHY.

@msevilroyslade

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

@meaculpau27

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.

@lawyerthoughts

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

@brendohare

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool