Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

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I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.


Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.


I must be getting old…my urine flow sounds like a drippy leak in an old abandoned factory


My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.


My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.



This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.


In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.


Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.


DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool