Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
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“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok