@bridger_w

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

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@ComedicBust

[walking into a mattress store]

Me: [smiling too hard]

Manager: You can’t jump on the beds.

Me: [no longer smiling]

@sage_lita

Him: I like a girl who’s a good host

Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS

@WineMummy

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

@SICKOFWOLVES

I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM

@DaddyJew

My first day as a cat burglar,

Victim: you know you don’t actually have to dress up like a cat when you do this

Me: *hisses

@DRUNKHULK

THEY SAY CHRIS BROWN GOT WORST TATTOO EVER! NO AGREE! DRUNK HULK THINK TATTOO GOT WORST PERSON EVER!

@RealDMK

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

@7edhead

Missing a period is probably a Grammar Nazi’s worst nightmare.

@justinbieber

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2