@mortimermaiden

[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.

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@flashember

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

@rivalpunks

In middle school, I had a crush on a kid named BJ. When you write Heather loves BJ on your notebooks, you make a lot of friends.

@aardvarsk

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

@_Water_Baby

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

@GingerHotDish

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

@TheAlexNevil

The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.

@DethOnTwoLegs

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

@Hormonella

Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

@Amazon_Blonde

911 what is your emergency?

Me: “My 6 year old hasn’t stopped talking since he got home”

911: “stay calm ma..

Me: MY EARS ARE BLEEDING