When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
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In middle school, I had a crush on a kid named BJ. When you write Heather loves BJ on your notebooks, you make a lot of friends.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
911 what is your emergency?
Me: “My 6 year old hasn’t stopped talking since he got home”
911: “stay calm ma..
Me: MY EARS ARE BLEEDING