Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.

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Your Honor, for our opening motion in this murder trial, the defense would like to submit, as exhibit A, the victim’s ringtone.


If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer


[first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what


Says here on your resume that you’re unpredictable.
(I take a squirrel out of my pants dressed as Batman)
“That’s a rumor”.


Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.


Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.


I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.


I didn’t fart, I flirted. That was a flirt!
*runs away flirting*


[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw


pirahna: my tooth is killing me


pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water