@_sleepysmile

Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.

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@AristotlesNZ

Your Honor, for our opening motion in this murder trial, the defense would like to submit, as exhibit A, the victim’s ringtone.

@dumbbeezie

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

@Shen_the_Bird

[first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what

@CelebrityChez

(Interview)
Says here on your resume that you’re unpredictable.
(I take a squirrel out of my pants dressed as Batman)
“That’s a rumor”.

@TwoSapphiresBlu

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

@aayushhiiiii

Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.

@causticbob

I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.

@Shh182

I didn’t fart, I flirted. That was a flirt!
*runs away flirting*

@BlindChow

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

@ClichedOut

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water