Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
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[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter