Everything is so great right now, she exclaimed.
Morgan Freeman: It WAS great. And so it was now that the universe decided to intervene.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
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When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
“Google, how long will my trip to Cleveland take?
“Your trip will take 5 hours”
“Google, I have a child.
“Your trip will take 9 hours”.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Nothing like watching a 2 year old with her head stuck in her shirt collar.
I’m gonna let her fight it out for a bit.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Boss: I was listening to some Tool on the way to work.
Me: I talk to myself when I’m driving sometimes too, it’s ok.
Boss: Just get out.