@milliondollrfam

[Shopping with $100]

As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!

As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?

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@MsSkarsgaard

Everything is so great right now, she exclaimed.
Morgan Freeman: It WAS great. And so it was now that the universe decided to intervene.

@mommy_cusses

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

@OuterJohn

When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

@Social_Mime

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

@salamingia

“Google, how long will my trip to Cleveland take?

“Your trip will take 5 hours”

“Google, I have a child.

“Your trip will take 9 hours”.

@ABKool

If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left

@Cpin42

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

@PretendMunchkin

Nothing like watching a 2 year old with her head stuck in her shirt collar.

I’m gonna let her fight it out for a bit.

Snacks anyone?

@ieatanddrink

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

@Sal0630

Boss: I was listening to some Tool on the way to work.

Me: I talk to myself when I’m driving sometimes too, it’s ok.

Boss: Just get out.