I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
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“what’s it like having a sister?”
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.