[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
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Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.