[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

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If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.


Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.


One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.


<– Spends a good 10 minutes removing the stuffed animals from my bed before we get down to business. But Rupert stays, he likes to watch.


Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep


[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here


If there’s enough room to spell ‘bootylicious’ on the back of your shorts, it probably isn’t.


The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.


Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”