@SteveSuckington

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

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@roxiqt

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

@lawyerthoughts

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

@OhMrWonka

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

@Poutymcgee

<– Spends a good 10 minutes removing the stuffed animals from my bed before we get down to business. But Rupert stays, he likes to watch.

@carlyken

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

@Steven37366100

[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here

@tarrynklaudia_x

If there’s enough room to spell ‘bootylicious’ on the back of your shorts, it probably isn’t.

@KenJennings

The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.

@slaughthie

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”