[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
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At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
This is a sub tweet
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.