[trying to be the cool dad]
me: what is up lit fam
15yo: dad, please stop
me: what are the goals of your squad
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
You Might Also Like
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Apparently people running at the airport are trying to catch a flight & TSA does not need me to intervene and stop an international criminal
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Offering a service where you pay $15 and I protect you for the night. I will be your personal gargoyle. I will perch myself above your bed in your room, and watch over you as you sleep.
If anyone sees that woman drying her bra by holding it out of the car window please tell her I love her
The elderly almost never expect a leg sweep.
I cheated on my drug test, with a younger, more attractive drug test.