[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
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[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Safety first
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”