@withanewname

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

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@TheMichaelRock

[trying to be the cool dad]

me: what is up lit fam

15yo: dad, please stop

me: what are the goals of your squad

@GrantTanaka

mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs

@Mr_Kapowski

Apparently people running at the airport are trying to catch a flight & TSA does not need me to intervene and stop an international criminal

@stephenjmolloy

Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”

*later at the coral reef*

Me: “This is amazing!”

Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”

@GrillinChillin9

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

@JennyPentland

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

@BeefedUpStud

Offering a service where you pay $15 and I protect you for the night. I will be your personal gargoyle. I will perch myself above your bed in your room, and watch over you as you sleep.

@six_2_and_even

If anyone sees that woman drying her bra by holding it out of the car window please tell her I love her

@WheelTod

I cheated on my drug test, with a younger, more attractive drug test.