Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
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I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Trumps’ “VOICE” Hotline set up for people to report on crime from illegal aliens was reportedly overloaded with calls about space aliens
wife: would you like a glass of water?
me: a glass of what?
me: try again. a glass of what?
wife: *sighing* fine… would you like a glass of clear earth soup?
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.