Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
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The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Oh no
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
They got Raph!
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt