@causticbob

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

You Might Also Like

@blade_funner

Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?

@weinerdog4life

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

@chrisdowning

A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

@Brampersandon_

GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!

ME: It

was

nice

knowing

you

@_Awwsomeness_

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

@RobbieGramer

Trumps’ “VOICE” Hotline set up for people to report on crime from illegal aliens was reportedly overloaded with calls about space aliens

@PoshTick

wife: would you like a glass of water?

me: a glass of what?

wife: water

me: try again. a glass of what?

wife: *sighing* fine… would you like a glass of clear earth soup?

@ghinapalestina

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?

@AmishPornStar1

Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

@dave_cactus

ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.