Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
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‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village