Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@pilau

wife: our beautiful baby girl

me: she’s got your eyes

wife: and your nose

Gimili: and my axe

@TGIJeff

When they ask me in a job interview what my greatest weakness is, I always say that I can’t open my eyes under water

@Death_Buddy

*On date*

Her: hey, how are you?

Me: yeah really g..

BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.

@WilliamRodgers

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

@Ellani_Belle

I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.

@RidiculousSheri

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

@EcoParce

JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA

@envydatropic

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

@Jake_Vig

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

@msdanifernandez

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh