*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
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7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
My last name is Zilla.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.