wife: our beautiful baby girl
me: she’s got your eyes
wife: and your nose
Gimili: and my axe
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
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When they ask me in a job interview what my greatest weakness is, I always say that I can’t open my eyes under water
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*