@AllanForsyth

Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.

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@EvilSchwartzie

In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY.
My best time so far is 7 min.

@iwearaonesie

*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*

@karanbirtinna

Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.

Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?

Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.

Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.

@ashmensch

This lady at the Edible Arrangement store acts like no one’s ever asked for a corn dog bouquet before.

@SkinnerSteven

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

@roxiqt

ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”

ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”

@threelisabeth

i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princรจss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH

@TheAlexNevil

6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name