Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
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Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
[first day as a psychic]
Boss: You’re fired.
Me: Man, I did not see that coming.
Boss: And now you know why.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……
but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
GF: there’s somebody in the kitchen!
ME: *already unsheathing my blade* that’s where the food is
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
Know when to walk away
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me