Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
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“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Wait a minute
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.