@EvilSchwartzie
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY.
My best time so far is 7 min.
@AllanForsyth
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
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@EvilSchwartzie
@iwearaonesie
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
@GeorgeTakei
A great tip. #CakeRex
@karanbirtinna
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
@ashmensch
This lady at the Edible Arrangement store acts like no one’s ever asked for a corn dog bouquet before.
@SkinnerSteven
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
@WilliamAder
It’s 2020. You have a favorite brand of vaccine.
@roxiqt
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
@threelisabeth
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princรจss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
@TheAlexNevil
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name