Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
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mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
“I’m helping” 😅
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.