When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
You Might Also Like
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
everyone has that one prude friend
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid