“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
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Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
🤣
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming