*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
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I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!