*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
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Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
All excellent questions
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
How funny!
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me